http://www.KyleBrownsCommunistManifesto.com

Damn right.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 07:03:30 GMT

'Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically being a fucking boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about.'

I miss my girlfriend.

In other news, this made me laugh for the first time in days.

Pic taken from Catfish's MySpace.

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 20:30:50 GMT

Hey everybody, I just wanted to let everyone know that I left U.S. Hellular to take a job working for Cingular in Lafayette.

I understand that the majority of people around here are Cingular carriers and most of you are tired of dealing with the poor customer service and extreme lack of product knowledge at the different Cingular outlets in Crawfordsville, namely the corporate store next to Blockbuster.
So I just wanted to take a minute and offer my services and knowledge to anyone who wishes to use it. Anything from new lines and new activations to retentions, upgrades and adding services such as text messaging and data packages, this is how I make my living and I would appreciate any sales or opportunities to help you all out.

Free free to IM me (info in the profile) or call me anytime on my cell at 765-918-3397 and hopefully we can get something worked out. Take it easy, all.

Viktor_57, I salute you.

Wed, 17 May 2006 04:57:31 GMT

So I was sitting at my computer trying to decide what to get my girlfriend for her birthday, either a life-size golden statue of myself, a vaccuum cleaner or an authentic Galaga arcade machine, when I realized that what I was doing was stupid. Don't get me wrong, she's special and everything (she'd have to be to be with a stud such as myself)... but my birthday is sooner than hers, so she'll just have to wait until she gets me something kickass before I'll spend a dime on her.
Nevertheless, it was difficult to even begin to think of anything badassed enough for someone as manly as I am, so I pulled up Amazon online and began just randomly browsing through the different stores. Yes, manly men shop at Amazon. After awhile, I ended up back at the site's home page with the store featuring links to several sale items, one of which was the Philips Norelco BG2020 Men's Bodygroom.

After the initial shock of how something like that was a top link and Maddox's new book was nowhere to be found, I clicked on the link to check the Body Groom out. Even moreso than being curious, I realized that the hair on and around my massive manbag is getting out of control, so much to the point where seeing pictures of Bob Ross reminds me of my balls.

After looking at the picture and the price, I was convinced that this thing was an ultimate piece of crap. It didn't look very well made and it looked like it would just pull the hair and they could get caught in the teeth... personally, I'd rather just let my pubes get keep getting caught in the woman's teeth while I count my forty bucks.
Nevertheless, I scrolled down and began reading customer reviews, with the following being the first one I saw:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Perfect gift for adopted son, May 4, 2006
Reviewer: viktor_57 "viktor_57" (Fairview, Your Favorite State, USA) - See all my reviews

Our adopted son Sam has what he considers to be an embarrassing problem: excessive body hair. We think it is quite normal, since he is a chimpanzee, but Sam wants to appear as human as possible in order to blend into human society.

We got the Philips Norelco BG2020 Men's Bodygroom for Sam because nothing else we tried worked to his and our satisfaction. Electric clippers snagged on and pulled his shaggy fur. Shears simply took too long and nearly gave me and my wife carpal tunnel syndrome. The Bodygroom did the trick, both cutting and shaving the hair with minimal fuss. We found that cutting slowly in the direction of the hair worked best. Frequent cleaning of cut hairs from the trimmer blades kept hair-pulling to a minimum. Fortunately for Sam, his long simian arms allow him to reach most of his body, but my wife and I still help him with his back.

Our bodygroomed Sam is now going to business school. The people there have no idea that he is a chimpanzee, despite the fact that Sam can't read or write. In fact, he is doing quite well and is at the top of his class. Sam wants to eventually go into advertising or politics, but either way, we know he'll go far.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

And to think, as of 12:50 AM on Wednesday, only 23 out of 32 people found that review helpful.
I looked at his profile to find out that he wrote several random reviews for countless useless products, even though none of the ones I actually read were as random as that one. Nevertheless, Viktor_57... I salute you. If you were anymore of a badass, you would have a LiveJournal in which you are endlessly bothered by local dumbasses that actually take you seriously.

Reasoning behind me taking the day off today.

Wed, 03 May 2006 15:07:13 GMT

So, I'm at work yesterday working on my third consecutive hour of the classic boredom-killer, Defend Your Castle, when I actually had to get up and help a customer. Now understand that while it's retail and it's my job to assist people, I usually just hide out in the back and play with phones, play games, play games on phones, occasionally play with myself and sometimes actually do paperwork and when I do go out on the floor and someone asks me to help them, I just tell them that I'm either still in training, on my break, or that my English isn't very good (all of which are actually true).
Well, yesterday, I couldn't avoid actual work.
I go out to find this biker guy in what looks like a Canadien tuxedo (denim from head to toe), a cowboy hat over a bandana, and more piercings than the crazy Africans you sometimes see on the Travel Network. Remembering the golden rule of wireless that sometimes the weirder looking people buy the most stuff, I went over and started helping the man. After a brief discussion, he decided that he wanted a STARTAC phone...

like the one he had ten years ago and no major wireless provider has made in eight. Then, after talking about Virgin Mobile, he asked if I knew anything about the service from Exxon Mobil...

having actually honestly thought that Exxon Mobil, the motor oil, was a wireless provider. He asked if I could help him, I said that not even God could help him, and went back to my office and started playing more games. Then I called in sick today, so I can play games in the comfort of my own home without being interrupted by God's sick little jokes. Man, I love me.

Bastards: What we are and how we work.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 22:56:09 GMT

I was always told that being a complete asshole to girls would always come back to haunt me, and the other night, it sort of did.
So the other night around 11, I was out running some errands and dropping mail off at the post office when I realized that I was hungrier than an Ethiopian and thought I would stop at McDonald's and get something to eat. I pull up in the drive-thru and a middle-aged Hispanic man, I think named Tino, took my order at the intercom. Being hungry, I order a combo number 2 (two smaller burgers and an order of fries), am told my total and pull up to the next window.
I'm not really paying attention at this point because through the drive from by Milligan Park all the way through ordering my food and pulling up the second window, I hadn't been paying attention to anything because I was playing Tetris on my cell phone. Allow me to reemphasize, I was operating a motor vehicle and paying more attention to a mobile phone game than the road... endangering both people and property... for no reason other than boredom.
Well, I pull up to the window and wait for a second, long enough to get another few lines on Tetris, when I hear the drive-thru window to my left open and an eerily familiar, non-Mexican male voice read me my total. I quickly look up to see a girl that I 'dated' and treated like complete shit in Evansville assisting me with my order. I hadn't seen this girl since Evansville and I just assumed she was still there, needless to say, I don't think I would've been any more suprised had Barry Manilow himself given me my order.
I say that I treated this girl like shit because I really did... we hung out a couple of times while drunk and then things just got awkward, I started avoiding her and even jumped out of a second floor window from the O'Bannon Hall Dorms onto sharp gravel while completely hammered just because I didn't want to deal with the situation at the time.
Needless to say, at the drive-thru the other night, I felt pretty guilty and like I should be civil, say something nice or ask how she's doing... however, after getting what looked like a death-stare-from-Hell, I just figured saying something would make things more awkward, so I kept my mouth shut and focused on my game. She handed me the bag of food, I quickly sped off and everything seemed normal.
I spent the first half of the drive home feeling guilty just because my current girlfriend has morphed me into a total pussy... but then I realized that bitch in the drive-thru stiffed me on my fries.
Because of her, I will beat every woman I see.

------------------------------------------------------------

So my new job at US Cellular is kicking some pretty mad ass now that my training is almost done and I'm actually getting to do some real work... which aside from not only stealing potential and even current clients from my old job at RadioShack and making more than they paid me to do it, is just fun because RadioShack's stock continues to fall and instead of being directly effected by it, I just get to read about it from my very own desk. Yes, I have a desk.
In other words, I make way more money for doing the same job at a progressive company than making less doing the same for a company that will be out of business within the next decade.
So what better way to gloat than to fill out a job application for RadioShack that the prick that fired me for nothing will see and realize that I'm better off because I'll still have a job when RS goes down?
I went to the company website the other day and pulled up the online application and filled it out as honestly as possible. I said I was looking for a part-time job in C'ville, that I was a former employee and that my reason for leaving the company was 'Noe (Catfish Beaner) Reyes had sand in his vagina which conflicted both his menstrual cycle and his job sense.' Word for word.
Earlier today, I got this e-mail...

-------------

Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 13:25:53 CST
From: recruiter@radioshack.com
To: KyleBrownRocksYourFaceOff@gmail.com
Subject: Thank You for Applying at RadioShack

Dear Kyle Brown,

Thank you for inquiring about career opportunities with RadioShack. At this time, we believe we have other candidates who more closely match the position's requirements. However, we appreciate your interest in our company and wish you well in your job search. We hope you will continue to choose RadioShack for all your consumer electronic needs.

Sincerely,

RadioShack

-------------

Remembering from my days working for them that even though the system and replies are all automated, the actual district managers, including the fuck that fired me, see the e-mails, I thought I would reply.

-------------

Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 15:42:09 CST
From: KyleBrownRocksYourFaceOff@gmail.com
To: recruiter@radioshack.com
Subject: RE:Thank You for Applying at RadioShack

Douche nozzle.

-------------

I then went to the fridge in the break room, took a Frosty that wasn't mine and went to my office and ate it. I love me.

April 20th: National High-Five Day and Love-a-Teen Day

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 02:54:53 GMT

So after almost twenty-one years of being alive, I've honestly come to terms with the fact that no matter how good my life is, I'm always going to be really miserable and feel the need to take out all of my wallowing and self-pity on people less intelligent than myself. Now, I understand that many people are thinking to themselves, 'Well gee golly gosh, if you're so upset, why don't you just find something to make yourself happy? :) lol'

And to that, I say...

So today is 420, a very key holiday in the process of destroying my already shattered faith in humanity. Even when I did smoke weed and especially now that I don't, I never honestly understood the point in 420. It's not that I mind the idea of people setting aside a day to smoke weed, most people that really take the idea seriously don't have jobs anyway, but I have seriously considered ways of mass murder to kill the sheep and tools that talk about 420 like they have their heads stuck up their asses.

For instance, if someone were to say 'Hey man, it's Hitler's birthday, smoke weed,' I believe I would calmly kick their testicles back up into their body to keep them from reproducing and contaminating the rest of the world. Hearing someone rant on about how Hitler's birthday is a legit excuse to celebrate anything rates right up with hearing Tom Cruise talk about Scientology on my bullshitometer. Pure goddamn ignorance.

Hitler with munchies.

It's even worse with the people that try to convince me that the reason for 420 is that it's the anniversary of Bob Marley's birth or death. Double wrong. Not sure of the dates myself, but there are 364/1 odds you're a complete fucking idiot if you guess that for either date. (365/1 odds on leap years)

And I won't even get started on Columbine. No one will shoot up any of the high schools around here as long as Wal Mart sells shitty guns.

So, in hopes that next year I won't have to deal with dipshits asking me to 'hook them up' this year or having to read random Yahoo! stats that make me want to smash my face into my monitor, I'm going to explain the most plausible origins of 420.

1. Not Hitler, Marley, or Columbine.
2. Sometime in the '70s, a group of high school kids in either San Jose or San Rafael would always meet near a watertower after classes and smoke, usually around 4:20 PM.
3. Possibly from a writing by H.P. Lovecraft in which he mentions being under a 'mirage-plant's pervasive influence' at 4:20.
4. Marijuana had been found growing wild on Highway 420 in Canada.
5. A mean trick by God to make me hate impressionable fuckers like some of you.

/also National High-Five Day
//and even National Love-a-Teen Day
///would love a teen myself but I don't know where my girlfriend is

Slam Dunk Ernest.

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 05:59:01 GMT

Instead of droning on for awhile, I'll get right to the point...

NCAA Division 1A Men's Basketball Regional Quarterfinals
LSU - 62
Duke - 54

Which also means JJ Redick's college career is over...

Too bad it wasn't like last year when Duke lost to my beloved MSU Spartans.
And to make today better, Gonzaga and that asshat Adam Morrison blew a 17-point lead to get owned by UCLA. On top of choking, Morrison broke down and cried in the middle of the court after the loss, therefore losing any comparisons between himself and Larry Bird, otherwise known as the Chuck Norris of Basketball.

Yes, I know this post is weak, but Duke lost, and that's all that matters.

/Duke sucks
//Gonzaga sucks
///my bracket sucks, if not now, then later
////damn good games and my key picks won
/////it's a celebration bitches

Snakes on a MotherFucking Plane.

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 22:57:09 GMT

Just when I didn't think the last couple of days could get any better, our friends in Hollywood took upon themselves to be defiant fucksticks and prove me wrong by releasing the trailer to Samuel L. Jackson's next film masterpiece...

Image doubles as a link for the dumbasses that couldn't tell.

If that trailer doesn't make you want to see this movie, then you should smash your head on your keyboard then shove the remaining pieces up your ass.

/expects SOAP to be Highest Grossing movie of all time
//I think I'll have a Samuel Jackson
///yes they deserved to die AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL

The Best Holiday I Ever Missed.

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 04:20:41 GMT

For the first time in history, I feel that my once undeniable and enviable manliness can seriously be called into question. I know, it must be disappointing to the reader to know that a man's man such as I could ever falter, kind of like watching your dad get his ass beat, but it happened.
Today started out just like any other day, I woke up and went downstairs with the intention of killing and grilling my own breakfast when I looked at the calendar and saw that today was March 14th.
March 14th... what is so significant about March 14th?

Well, March 14th was the day that Eli Whitney recieved his patent on the cotton gin, an invention responsible for the highest minority employment rate in history. That was pretty sweet, but not what I was looking for.

March 14th is that douche-stain Billy Crystal's birthday... but I hate Billy Crystal.

Here's a little known fact: Last year, I made an entry about all the different ways I would like to murder Billy Crystal, but LiveJournal wouldn't let me post it because they said putting that much awesome in one entry had never been done and should be reserved for an internet host whose primary clients aren't whiney high-school girls.

Well, nevertheless, I couldn't figure out why today was so damn important. Skip ahead a few hours until about 20 minutes ago, the point when it dawned on me that today was only the best damn holiday ever.

Yes, today was Steak and a Blowjob Day: the Man's Valentine's Day.
I don't really know how much more to explain it, Steak and a BJ Day is the most straight-forward name for anything ever made, even more self-explanitory than the movie title, 'Snakes on a Plane'.
It's the one day of the year when women are obligated (only because they can't legally be forced anymore, damn Democrats) to repay their men for 365 days of the following bullshit: opening the doors, paying for everything, biting their lips with truthful responses to ultimately damning questions, putting the toilet seat down, wearing clean underwear, putting up with their friends and parents, fixing everything, sitting outside of department store dressing rooms bored enough to consider suicide, and countless other bullshit that can't be excused despite the fact that we can hold high-public office, not suffer through thirty-years of a menstrual cycle, and make more money for doing the same jobs.

I can guarantee that countless women out there think that the concept of Steak and a Blowjob Day is sexist and crude. After coping with the initial shock that comes with women actually agreeing on something that hasn't been on either Oprah or The View, I would like to point out that men have been sacrificing their dignity on Valentine's Day for decades and it is the least you can do for us.

Or... here's a hint, ladies... why don't you call Valentine's Day something else to make it appeal to your men? Something horrible, something so degrading that it's appealing... something along the lines of Chocolate and Muff Diving Day.
Hell, if you really want your man to look forward to the holiday, get him a Pussy Snorkel.
I have spoken.

Unfortunately, my better half was smart enough to hang out with me before I realized what today was... not that it would've mattered had I known.

/didn't get steak
//didn't get a BJ
///feels like a Jew at Christmas

Chuck Norris had his birthday in the Virgin Islands. They are now just the Islands.

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 18:27:07 GMT

Since Fark is the only place I've seen anyone take notice of the most obvious reason to celebrate the interweb's biggest fad since squirrel nuts or the mustard man, then I'll step up to the plate and do it.

Happy 66th Birthday, Chuck Norris.

And what better to way to celebrate than see Chuck read his Favorite TV-Friendly Chuck Norris facts on FSN's 'The Best Damn Sports Show Period'.

And now for some more... just for the hell of it...

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris stormed the beaches at Normandy and killed over 47 Germans... in 1981.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

/farked Chuck Norris after meeting him in a nightclub in 2003. My friend knew his agent. 100% the best ever.
//got nothin
///slashies

And wouldn't you know it, stalking is unlegal.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 20:36:57 GMT

So I get home after running some errands and asserting my intense bad-assetry to the world, when I sit down at my PC and my gmail alert informs me that I have some new e-mails.
So I see-mail which must be-mail in the form of e-mail on g-mail in a random free-mail from hopefully an easy female. If you can say that five times fast, you should make me a steak. Back to the story…
‘Oh joy,’ I think to myself, I’m about to have to go and delete some mass messages from Ticketmaster and maybe even a real e-mail by someone who apparently seems to be stuck in 1997, the last confirmed year that e-mailing was an effective means of communication.
About to go to work deleting these little wastes of life, I begin to realize that they’re all actual e-mails from the same person, one Brian Euvino: Crawfordsville’s own slow-talkin’, odd-walkin’, young-girl-stalkin’ grinchy-Grinch legend. Granted, while the jokes in this segment practically write themselves, I’ll take a second to compliment him and point out that he does kind of look like an ugly Orlando Bloom.

Orlando Bloom + bad haircut – ability to shower = Brian Euvino

Well, nevertheless, curious as to why he would send me multiple e-mails in one night, I opened the earliest one…
Editor’s Note: All grammar in e-mails will be edited and corrected since, as anyone whom has talked to him online knows, Euvino can’t properly spell, structure sentences, or convey any thoughts other than how you wish he would’ve graduated high school so he’d grasp the English language and actually be able to sound intelligent on an instant messenger.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2006 20:06:25 CST
From: snatch0485
To: DarthBrown
Subject: about my LJ post

Dear Darth Brown,
Long time stalker, first time intimidator and I would just like to say that I’m a big fan of your work, off and on the internet ; ). Which is why I hope you don’t take a post on my LiveJournal, located here, seriously. I would just like to emphasize that I am a chronic-attention whore and I feel like I have to make up for lost time since I couldn’t write an LJ post for over two years because I finally bothered a girl that actually knew the number for 911 and I was banned from the internet. Please spare me your un-holy ridicule, hopefully you can someday show me the ways in the force…. : ) <3 <3 <3
Love,
Brian Anthony Franklin (still-constantly uses the nick-name my ‘evil-ex’ always used) Euvino

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holy raging dog-shit, I got fan-mail for the first time in years and for the first time on this account. Yes, SystemofaBrown actually got fan mail. Kind of shocked and clueless, I just ended up doing the same thing I do whenever anyone does anything nice for me: I ignored him. I closed out the message and went back to my inbox, remembering that I had even more messages from him. I went ahead and deleted all of the middle ones and just opened the last one he sent, which to my shock was an audio file. I didn’t want to open it just because the last audio/visual he sent me was a home video of his cats doing it… however, out of boredom, I opened it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2006 04:42:32 CST
From: snatch0485
To: DarthBrown
Subject: an e-mail is like a young girls legs, they only work when opened :P

I open the file, and all I hear is static and what sounds like a Dido song… quickly remembering that I don’t like Dido and that the only reason Euvino picked her was because her name was one L away from being Dildo, I was about to close the file until I hear a rap beat and Euvino start shouting the following lyrics.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last message I ever send your ass!
It's been five hours and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last nine e-mails;
I typed the addresses on 'em perfect!
This is a homemade WAV I'm sending you, I hope you hear it,
I'll be in my ZX2 by now, topping out at 43 going down Market,
DarthBrown, I smelled a can of Bud Light, you dare me to drive?
That’s how much I had when I danced drunk to that Frank Zappa guy,
and acted like Rick James and could’ve spilt your beers drowning,
then fell and covered myself in Pennzoil before you found me.
That's kinda how this is, you coulda stopped my attention whoring,
Now it's too late – I’m on Girl Scouts chat with high hopes of scoring,
and all I wanted was a lousy message or a chat,
Now I’m stuck alone with my dial-up and legions of cats,
I love you Brown, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me,
See Brown; (his mom yells at him) Oh now my mom’s yelling from the kitchen,
About how I have no direction in my life, she’s always bitchin’,
but I didn't defend myself, I just sat back and took it, see I ain't like you
I just make an emo Yahoo! Stat, then get one on AIM too,
Well, gotta go, my dial-up’s almost timed out,
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was the last I ever heard of him… may he rest in peace, at least until his modem dials-up and connects soon.

/still laughing at Euvino’s lack of wit
//enjoyed his little post
///needs someone to host now infamous BTVD video
////was tempted to rip Euvino a new asshole
/////realized that a Coke can had already done it

'I was reformatting and totally deleted the six posts I had all the way written.... gnar.'

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 04:45:30 GMT

What do you get when you take two of my favorite movies...

... and put them together when they have nothing in common?

Why, only the funniest goddamn thing I've seen all day...

'Toy Story' meets 'Requiem for a Dream'
(mirrored at break.com)

And my girlfriend says I have too much time on my hands... psh, shows what she knows...

On top of that, I also found a clip of none other than Peter Griffin doing the traditional Top Ten list on Late Night with David Letterman...
Still no Conan, but this is freakin' sweet.

Then, for good measure, something that resemble's a cross between 'Shaun of the Dead' and 'Office Space,' starring 'Shaun of the Dead's' own Simon Pegg...
Office Wanking Policy

Then, to end it on a good note, a true-life story of 'Rudy' meets Dustin Hoffman's character from 'Rain Man'...
J.J. Redick without the bacne.

/hates Duke
//likes quirky British humour (with the extra u)
///really fucking hates Duke
////and loves teh slashies!!1!!oneeleventyoneone!!1!!
/////thinks slashies are the only way to end internet posts now

I beat the shit out of my neighbor and RapeShack gets effed in the eh.

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 04:25:40 GMT

So at 7:42 this morning, I started making a list of all the reasons why I kick ass. As of right now, it's 10:55 and I thought I should take a break because my hands started to hurt from all of the non-stop typing, because as we all know, my hands need to be in good shape so I can go to the bowling alley and beat some drunken hillbillies to death with their own bowling shoes. Goddamn, I hate bowling...
Back to the story, there are so many reasons I kick ass that it's just un-fucking-real.
For instance, I was going out to my car this afternoon and our neighbor's dog started barking at me. I yelled and threw a rock at it, but the little shit didn't stop barking... he just kept yapping and choking himself on his leash. It got to the point that I couldn't hear myself think about how much I kick ass, so I just walked up to the little bastard mutt, ripped his head off, and left in our neighbor's mailbox.
I came home after running some errands and our neighbor, the dog's owner, came over to yell at me for what I did to his dog. As soon as I opened the front door, he started shouting and waving the leash around about how he was going to call the police... so I just straight kicked him in the scrotum and hung him from the rafter on our porch with his dead dog's leash.
His dangling body started to make a really big mess on the porch, but I didn't want to clean it up. I just took his wallet and went back into the house to continue playing videogames. About an hour later, two cops showed up to ask me about the body dangling in clear view of the street. I remembered that in order to be a cop in Crawfordsville, it's manditory to be a total redneck. They won't even let you into the academy unless you drive a Chevy and can name at least three Lynard Skynard songs: so I just told the cops that the dangling body was a member of Al-Qaeda that stopped by to try to get me to sign a petition to legalize gay marriage. They were alright with it, hell, they even gave me a key to the city because I rule like that.
Man, I love me.

Alright, now that we got that out of the way, the real reason I wanted to write.
As most of you know, I was employed by RadioShack, a trusted name in corporate backstabbings and overpriced electronics, for a good portion of last year. I really loved the job I had and even decided to take a semester off of school because I could've used my position as a wireless representative to springboard into different jobs with other corporations, namely Sprint and Comcast, which would've provided me with excellent career opportunities and would've helped pay for the college I was struggling to afford at the time.
After a couple of months there, I helped to get one of my good friends a position with the company and together, he and I both played a part in a rather impressive gain in sales, though due to the fact that the store was undermanned for most of the year, we still fell short of 2004's totals. My friend and I each set sales records in our time there and the other employees also sold better themselves since they were no longer under the pressure of being undermanned. Each employee was a straight-shooter with the customers and we each had our own fair-share of regulars (i.e. customers that would only buy off of us) and even helped attract business from people that 'forgot Crawfordsville even had a RadioShack.'
There was a team of four running a store that was normally supposed to be ran by a team of six or seven; the least time anyone would put in a week was 45 hours and bear in mind this was during the holiday rush.

However, politics came soon into play. On top of trying to revive a store which had been undermanned and behind for six months, for whatever reason, store deposits were usually late or slightly inaccurate (off by less than $5), which proved as an excellent opportunity for our dipshit district manager to come in and make an example of us. Instead of taking time and using effort to keep the employees that deserved to stay, there was a whole-sale slaughter at the store in which every employee was let go without reason, severance, or even a chance to round out the week and get what money we could.
The four of us weren't fired for wrong-doing... we were let-go so some self-righteous prick on a power-trip, whom also fired his own sister for discounting some iPod accessories, could show how cut-throat he could be in a hopes of getting a promotion and being in charge of his own district.

The rumor was that I was fired for drinking on the job and selling drugs to employees... while both allegations are 100% true, they weren't the reason I was fired. Yes, I told them I drank inside the store and came into work higher than a kite at times, but only to piss them off AFTER I had been fired. I even set a daily-total-sales record and record for most wireless sales in a day after smoking a full 20 sack on my lunch -- I pocketed close to $320 that day alone. However, all of that was after I had been let-go and proceeded to go off on the DM, even referring to him as a 'catfish beaner' and how he should 'thank the crustache God that I don't knock his teeth out'.

Well, nevertheless, four good employees were terminated for nothing more than politics and we were each replaced with mindless drones that wouldn't know their asses from a hole in the ground, let alone anything about electronics or sales. I think a retarded chimp would have better luck selling a cell phone to a borderline customer than any current Crawfordsville employees would, let alone ones I saw on trips to other stores.
All of this happened ten days before Christmas, too... which helps prove their shittiness.
On top of that incident alone, we were each raped out of our final paychecks, anywhere from $100 to $200 each, and we each black-balled from jobs with competitive companies. I can honestly say I've been overlooked at jobs I'm more than qualified for because of that whole fiasco with Cingular, Cellular Consultants, Nextel, Sprint, and most likely in the next week, U.S. Cellular. Despite a letter of reccommendation from my manager saying that not only was I honest, but on several incidences went to Lafayette or Indianapolis to get products for customer that our store didn't carry, the corporate version of my termination and being 'let-go for loss prevention' outweighs the fact that I'm a damn good employee and one of the best salesmen to grace that franchise in a long time.
So long story short, I absolutely hate RadioShack.
Not dislike; not dispise; I fucking hate RadioShack.

Ever since I was fired, I've thought nothing more of how I would love to see that entire corporation fall apart before my very eyes.
As I'm sure most of you saw some of RapeShack's new ad campaign featuring completely unfunny fuckers from all walks of life (i.e. people who want iPods, people who want cell phones, struggling actors that can only get commercial roles) in the ads with the red chair.
Well, nevertheless, karma is on my side. If you aren't familiar with the concept of karma, watch some 'My Name is Earl.'
Since my termination from the company, I've seen RadioShack spend millions more on advertising than they made in revenue, cancel their partner ship with Verizon Wireless for Cingular then be blindsided by the obvious fact that it's not an easy transition, and supposedly have to sell their corporate headquarters back to whomever they had leased it from... then I saw this... an article where it all begins to show and RadioShack begins to die.
RadioShack gets phucked wit teh buttsecks.

My God, I really hate RadioShack.
But I really love me.
The End.

I love me.

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 21:21:42 GMT

Here's an entry that more than the usual 0.01576% of my regular readers can take seriously...

Happy ~~my bastard ass has to be nice~~ Valentine's Day.

Update rape.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 18:51:48 GMT

Believe it or not, there are actually times that I forget I have a LiveJournal... nevertheless, I remembered today and thought I should update.
I was in the middle of an amazing sleep-aid induced slumber when I began to have this horrible nightmare that soon I was going to have to do something nice for my girlfriend. There were flowers, candy hearts, and cuddling. It was terrible.
Normally when I'm asleep, I dream about being a lumberjack with the manliest beard around and chopping up little children with a huge ax before feeding them to my blue ox, which just so happens to be a shark with legs. Now that's a dream, I tell you... not self-torture by means of a chick-flick and having to hold in my farts.
It was the worst nightmare I ever had... we had just finished an expensive dinner that I had to pay for and were back at my house watching a date-movie. By date movie, I mean a movie without any robots, zombies, explosions, or plot. Just a movie where a guy meets a girl, realizes the girl is a cunt-sausage that jumps back between him and at least one other guy all before coming up with some zany scheme to win her over before she marries someone else.
Well, nevertheless, my dream was to the point of the movie where I was almost in tears from boredom pains. I then decided to reach over to end-table, grab some scissors and stab myself in the thigh; because if I'm going to be in that much pain, I at least want to do it to myself.
No matter how badly I wanted to wake up, I just couldn't. It felt like the night-terror was never going to end... then boom, my phone rings and wakes me up. Any other time, I'd be pissed... but this time was thrilled; the nightmare was over. I somewhat recognized the number, so I answered it. It ended up being an English major at an out-of-state college that didn't quite understand the definition of 'satire'. Being the extremely sexy dictionary that I am, I was quick to help them out. I rule like that sometimes.

Well, nevertheless, after being awake for some time, I realized that today was February 13th, otherwise known as the day before Valentine's Day, the holiday the Grinch should've stolen. God damn it, my nightmare had come true. Being pissed off that I actually have to spend money, I began trying to think of the best and most cost-efficient (cheap, for the English majors out there) dates possible, and I think I got it.
We start out by going and eating at the Wal-Mart snack bar for lunch, before going to the park and throwing molotov cocktails at old people before making out way to the movies before 5 PM because the tickets are cheaper (also BYOB day, werd) and rounding it out with a nice meal of chicken and seafood at Long John Silvers all before going back to my house and making the world's biggest, gas-powered meat grinder... at which point, we'll work together to find and throw in anyone that's a vampire, has a dog that weighs less than ten pounds, or takes this LiveJournal seriously...

'Dubya's in a League of his own... the Bush league!!' --- Random Asshat I overhead today.

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 04:07:10 GMT

So, I was out and about this evening when it dawned on me that I completely missed President Bush's State of the Union address. As a former politics junkie that still hasn't quite come to terms with how ~~economically~~ completely fucked our country is compared to the recent past, I still felt compelled to try and catch some of the speech by downloading what I could...

However, while my computer thought yes, my mind thought differently...

If only those Bush-voting, asshat war-mongers and those Kerry-voting, pussy tree-huggers had listened to me in 2004, we wouldn't have this problem? Remember?

Yeah bitch.

Eh, nevertheless, I'm hella-tired and think I'm going to go watch a movie. I'll just go get a newspaper and read on the SotU tomorrow... I can see it now...

Projected Copy of tomorrow's Journal Review: (+/- 3 typos)

It just pisses me off... I completely forgot the speech was tonight... if only the government had paid to advertise this...

Ebert and Roeper give this film two thumbs way up... your ass!!!

OK, I'm done.
I'm sure Michael Moore will bitch about it more than I can... he's been pissed ever since that one time Peter Griffen out-farted him...
And let's not forget Bill Maher... fuck that douchebag like the Catholic choir boy he once was.
I hate Bill Maher... almost as much as I hate Canada. Fuck Canada.

God bless Fark...

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 03:20:37 GMT

This helped make my day. That is all.

Read this post to learn how an aneurism feels...

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 03:35:59 GMT

So if you started surfing around the wide-world of LiveJournal and began thinking to yourself, 'Man, I sure hope Kyle Brown didn't update'... then today just may be the worst day of your life.
Though sitting down at my PC and taking the time to update wasn't an easy task, by God, if you're reading this then I must've caved in and finally god-damn done it. I almost didn't take the time to post because my chair was missing, but I've seen more than enough episodes of MacGuyver in my day to know how to get myself out of some sticky situations, and this one was no different.
First, I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and lean up to my keyboard, but then realized that keeping pressure on my spine at that much of angle long enough to type an entire entry would probably get me stuck walking like a combination of Mr. Burns, my roommate and a velociraptor for the rest of my life.
After giving it some more thought, I finally realized I could just sit on my own nuts. So I went and got a soft towel, to prevent carpet burn, and laid it on the floor where I planned to sit. I double-checked to make sure my chair wasn't in here, after which decided to unzip my fly and drop my nuts to the ground. Now, I understand that sitting on nuts for most guys is like being uncomfortably seated on a couple of soft walnuts, but not for me. For me, sitting on my own nuts is like sitting on a couple of giant medicine balls wrapped together that you know will be responsible for contaminating the future generations of this planet; there's a lot of pride involved.
In fact, one of our attractive, 20-something neighbors just stopped in to say hello and asked me where I got the flesh-colored bean bag... I told her that I made it myself and asked her if she wanted to touch it... she said yes... brb...

OK, back.
Good news, I found my chair.
Nevertheless, I've had a lot on my mind lately. It's really been getting to me.
The other day, I started thinking about how fun it would be to punt a small dog over something... preferably a fence... though I'll probably go for the gold and try to kick one through a sweatshop window into a room full of starving Koreans. It has potential to be funny... but they'll probably just squint at the damn thing.

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Do you ever find yourself thinking of ways to torture people that truly don't understand sarcasm/satire and get offended so easily by something they continue to read on a regular basis in spite of how much it 'pains' them?
Especially when what they're bitching about isn't that offensive? I honestly think Wal-Mart sells CDs that are more offensive than what I put on here.
Did you ever notice how they claim to be Christians but say 'fuck you' when they don't agree with your valid points?
Maybe I should just let them borrow my shop-vac so they can get the sand out of their vaginas.

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Has anyone noticed that there were two future State Governors in the movie 'Predator'?
Fucked up shit.

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I found a website where women can try to do math and actually determine which days they're more fertile (i.e prone to be knocked up and abandoned). As a former-supporter of equal rights, now I understand why women weren't allowed to vote until the '20s...
As soon as my fight to re-legalize slavery is won, this is the next Amendment to go...

But while I was at that site, I made this...

Speaking of the ticker, that's not a joke.
So the next person to call me and ask to buy weed or drink here is going to have their number submitted to some telemarketers or random fucks that still think prank-calling is trendy... or maybe both...

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'Super Size Me' was just on and now I want to turn myself into a ginger kid, get a Hulk Hogan handlebar moustache and eat some damn cheeseburgers all month.
Speaking of ginger kids, Danny Bonaduce does steroids... so if he could sit on his nuts way back in the day, he probably can't now.

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The Colts are going to the Super Bowl... just too bad they'll have to get tickets like everyone else.
Maybe we'll get to see a new Peyton Manning commercial.
If the President of the United States can choke on a pretzel, then Peyton Manning can choke in every big game of his career.
COLTS: Count On Losing This Sunday... werd.

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I want to start a MySpace chain-letter titled '37 Ways to Beat Your Girlfriend' and see how many people send it back to me.

OK, I think I'm pretty bored now... so I'm going to play some more videogames or maybe be social and go play some poker. The End.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 08:19:43 GMT

Mark your calendars, children...
January 13th/14th:
First time all year that something finally went my way... werd.

Can you believe it, ladies? This man is single...

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 02:14:59 GMT

I was sitting around this evening, surfing on the internet and admiring how much I rule, when it dawned on me: I am God's gift to women.
Granted, I'm uglier than sin and a complete asshole to nine tenths of the total population, but damn it, I know how to treat a woman.
For instance, I was dating this girl not too long ago... we'll call her Veronica, and we started getting pretty close. She'd always tell me that she liked my eyes and my smile, I'd always tell her to make me a steak. She'd always want to go to the movies and I'd tell her that if she interrupted my videogames one more time, I'd put her down. She said she was pregnant, I told her to get me a coat hanger.
You get the idea... it was bliss.
Well, nevertheless, Christmas came around. She went through all of the trouble to make a good meal and she went and got me a giftcard for A Touch of ~~Crabs~~ Class... realizing that girls like that don't come along very often, I pulled out the gift I got her to celebrate the birth of the man behind the first confirmed hammer-and-nails celebrity fatality: a ring.

Not just any ring though, a ring that I went through the trouble of going and buying at Andrew's Jewelers because they wouldn't stop sending me mail ever since I bought a ring there for my last disappointment.
Anyways, Veronica said that the ring was, hands down, the sweetest thing any guy had ever done for her and that she loved me. After some intense jungle sex where I called her by her sister's name more than twice and a money shot that would put Peter North to shame, she lied next to me and asked me how I ever could've thought of getting her such a perfect ring.
I smiled, then took her to my PC and told her to search on Yahoo! for 'goatse'.
She started crying like Nancy Kerrigan, told me to keep the ring, and ran like hell out the door. Biggest mistake of her life, she'll miss me... soon enough...
She'll miss the ring too... I returned it and used the money to get some White Castle's and a hooker, just to see which one would make me sicker.

Good god...

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 00:38:11 GMT

Every once in awhile, a series of events comes along and they just send my faith in humanity crashing down...
I didn't think it could get any lower after what happened last night involving Brian Euvino, a condom, a videocamera, and someone who passed out on my living room floor...

But sure enough, I go to the Journal Review's website and find
an article on the most fucked up thing I've seen or read all day.

Sometimes I just love C'ville.

Happy New Year everyone... thanks to all the people that came to celebrate with me.

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 19:37:41 GMT

For some reason, it hasn't felt like Christmas... it may be that I'm getting older, not a Christian, or because I lost my job ten days before the holiday (good post about that on the way)... but nevertheless, Happy Holidays everyone.

MERRY CHRISTMAS...
SHITTER'S FULL.

Car Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 03:52:52 GMT

So I get home from work tonight after pulling a nine-hour shift in a commission pay sales job, where I'm a productive member of society, and finally sit down to relax at my PC. I have a drink and begin to unwind as I turn on some music and kick my shoes off. I grab the remote to my TV and as I'm about to turn on ESPN to check some NBA scores, there's a hard knock on the door.
Somewhat rattled and pissed off by the fact that my state of relaxation had been disrupted, I respond to the rather rude knock by simply asking, 'What the fuck do you want?'
Through the door, I hear my sister say, 'The police are here looking for you.'

Realizing that I'm not famous enough to be on Punk'd and that none of my friends are clever enough to pull such a prank, I got up and began to head to the front door. In any other instance like this, I'd run like a Kenyan in a marathon, but due to the fact that I hadn't done anything illegal in a couple of days, I thought I would actually face the music out of curiosity to see what I would be in trouble for.
Before I can even get to the door to see what brought the cops away from their typical late night meal at Digger's and made them actually do their fucking job for once, my mom comes up and hands me a tri-folded piece of white paper that looked like it was older than Jesus.

I open it up to see a court summon over a parking ticket that looked more like a seventh grade guided reading homework assignment than a legal document typed by a secretary at a county courthouse. Whoever wrote this out had to fill in blanks and cross out lines as opposed to, say, type a paragraph on Microsoft Word. I shit you not... the front of the pamphlet even read:

SUMMONS
MONTGOMERY ~~SUPERIOR CIRCUIT~~ COUNTY COURT

After opening the packet and realizing this was all about the fact that I completely spaced paying my infamous parking ticket, I just stumbled across the newest reason why Crawfordsville fucking sucks: this town can hire someone who can leave a parking ticket on a car within seven minutes of the meter expiring but can't hire someone to actually type out a court summon, opting instead to use the traditional and extremely unprofessional fill-in-the-blank method.

As I bowed my head in shame and began weeping for humanity after reading my summon, I started to reflect on the situation when it dawned on me that while growing up I had heard countless stories about how many people could get out of paying serious legal fines and balances, namely child support, without many legal ramifications... yet, I'm metaphorically anally-raped with the prospect of being sent to jail and literally anally-raped over leaving my car parked downtown without the meter running for seven goddamn minutes.
Fuck, with the economy as it is and all the businesses going bankrupt in downtown, the powers that be should've been thrilled that someone was even there in the first place.
Damn the citation, I should've gotten a coupon and my picture in the paper.
Allow me to reemphasize this point, someone who has a job where he's actually sold digital scanners to firefighters to help them do their job on top of several other electronics to different beneficial figures in society is being nailed for an 'offense' somewhere between littering and ripping the 'do not tear' tag off of a mattress while countless deadbeats continually manage to dodge having to provide support for their illegitimate children, not to mention the countless fucks around here that continue to elude paying taxes.
I swear to God, the county overlooking people like that and coming after me for a parking ticket is like someone holding up a Seven Eleven, getting into the register and not taking any big bills opting only to take a roll of pennies.
This whole thing is just depressing, no matter how you slice it. Hell, I just got the document tonight and it was filed in the courthouse on October 24th. In other words, it took our highly trained local police force three weeks to serve me with a document that the post office could've delivered in just under 24 hours. Fuck, even Fed Ex works faster than those fat bastard pigs.

I'm so pissed off about this I'm half tempted just to be an asshole and fight it all the way and make as much of a mess out of this as I can, but since I really care about my job and the new apartment, I'm just going to own up to this.
So, before I close this, let's compare the police hit rate here...

Things I've been cited/arrested for
Trespassing in the old hospital
Hitting someone with a whiffle bat
Driving the same make/model of a car as someone who did a gas drive-off
'Breaking in to' my own house
Forgetting to pay a three dollar parking ticket

Illegal things I've done in the last week without consequence
Underage drinking
Smoking marijuana
Selling marijuana
Driving under the influence
Driving without insurance (paid now though)
Music piracy
Movie piracy
Speeding

Obviously, anyone who glances over that list should be stunned by how pathetic the comparison is. It says a lot about the town when I can get away with driving without insurance or with alcohol in my system, though I wasn't drunk, but yet it's a legal matter when I forget to pay a three dollar parking ticket. It just disturbs me that I'm subject to laws instilled by people who would rather nail someone on such a trivial charge instead of finally catching the countless parents around here who don't support their children or the many who dodge the local taxes that the courts depend on.
In conclusion...

Fuck the police...
and fuck the Montgomery ~~Superior Circuit~~ County Court too...

For the ladies...

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 23:44:00 GMT

I was talking to some girls earlier today, and they asked me,
'Master, have you always been such a stud?'

The answer, ladies, is yes...

I've always been a stud.

Best $12 I ever spent.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 04:21:55 GMT

So today, I finally used my employee discount at Radio Shack for the first time. I really didn't want to spend money, and I know I didn't need to. Truth is, I just found something that was such an over-done waste of plastic that managed to knock my faith in humanity further down the shitter that I couldn't help but waste my money on it.

What could it be?

Was it the PC mouse pad with the built-in speakerphone?
Fuck no.

Was is the flashlight that was shaped like a gorilla?
No... but I thought about it.

The M&M's shower radio?
Negative.

It was a PS2 controller... but for the love of Jesus, just look at this thing.

Honestly, dear God, nothing says you're a worthless bastard that plays too many videogames like having a PS2 controller with several TWO SPEED FANS IN IT!
Wait, no, nothing says lazy like having to choose between 'HI' and 'LO' instead of 'HIGH' and 'LOW' when using the fan, because as we all know, lazy people hate letters.

I swear to God, anyone who had one of these before today needs to be shot. However, since I now own one, they're socially acceptable and will soon be trendy, because as we all know, I just kick that much ass.