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Pope Brownadict the First
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| Damn right. |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|02:51 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Tool - 'Vicarious' | ] |
'Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically being a fucking boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about.' I miss my girlfriend. In other news, this made me laugh for the first time in days.  Pic taken from Catfish's MySpace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|04:19 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Keane - 'Is It Any Wonder' | ] |
Hey everybody, I just wanted to let everyone know that I left U.S. Hellular to take a job working for Cingular in Lafayette.
I understand that the majority of people around here are Cingular carriers and most of you are tired of dealing with the poor customer service and extreme lack of product knowledge at the different Cingular outlets in Crawfordsville, namely the corporate store next to Blockbuster.
So I just wanted to take a minute and offer my services and knowledge to anyone who wishes to use it. Anything from new lines and new activations to retentions, upgrades and adding services such as text messaging and data packages, this is how I make my living and I would appreciate any sales or opportunities to help you all out.
Free free to IM me (info in the profile) or call me anytime on my cell at 765-918-3397 and hopefully we can get something worked out. Take it easy, all. |
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| Viktor_57, I salute you. |
[May. 17th, 2006|12:50 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Jason Mraz - 'Tonight, Not Again' | ] |
So I was sitting at my computer trying to decide what to get my girlfriend for her birthday, either a life-size golden statue of myself, a vaccuum cleaner or an authentic Galaga arcade machine, when I realized that what I was doing was stupid. Don't get me wrong, she's special and everything (she'd have to be to be with a stud such as myself)... but my birthday is sooner than hers, so she'll just have to wait until she gets me something kickass before I'll spend a dime on her.
Nevertheless, it was difficult to even begin to think of anything badassed enough for someone as manly as I am, so I pulled up Amazon online and began just randomly browsing through the different stores. Yes, manly men shop at Amazon. After awhile, I ended up back at the site's home page with the store featuring links to several sale items, one of which was the Philips Norelco BG2020 Men's Bodygroom.
After the initial shock of how something like that was a top link and Maddox's new book was nowhere to be found, I clicked on the link to check the Body Groom out. Even moreso than being curious, I realized that the hair on and around my massive manbag is getting out of control, so much to the point where seeing pictures of Bob Ross reminds me of my balls.
After looking at the picture and the price, I was convinced that this thing was an ultimate piece of crap. It didn't look very well made and it looked like it would just pull the hair and they could get caught in the teeth... personally, I'd rather just let my pubes get keep getting caught in the woman's teeth while I count my forty bucks.
Nevertheless, I scrolled down and began reading customer reviews, with the following being the first one I saw:
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Perfect gift for adopted son, May 4, 2006
Reviewer: viktor_57 "viktor_57" (Fairview, Your Favorite State, USA) - See all my reviews
Our adopted son Sam has what he considers to be an embarrassing problem: excessive body hair. We think it is quite normal, since he is a chimpanzee, but Sam wants to appear as human as possible in order to blend into human society.
We got the Philips Norelco BG2020 Men's Bodygroom for Sam because nothing else we tried worked to his and our satisfaction. Electric clippers snagged on and pulled his shaggy fur. Shears simply took too long and nearly gave me and my wife carpal tunnel syndrome. The Bodygroom did the trick, both cutting and shaving the hair with minimal fuss. We found that cutting slowly in the direction of the hair worked best. Frequent cleaning of cut hairs from the trimmer blades kept hair-pulling to a minimum. Fortunately for Sam, his long simian arms allow him to reach most of his body, but my wife and I still help him with his back.
Our bodygroomed Sam is now going to business school. The people there have no idea that he is a chimpanzee, despite the fact that Sam can't read or write. In fact, he is doing quite well and is at the top of his class. Sam wants to eventually go into advertising or politics, but either way, we know he'll go far.
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And to think, as of 12:50 AM on Wednesday, only 23 out of 32 people found that review helpful.
I looked at his profile to find out that he wrote several random reviews for countless useless products, even though none of the ones I actually read were as random as that one. Nevertheless, Viktor_57... I salute you. If you were anymore of a badass, you would have a LiveJournal in which you are endlessly bothered by local dumbasses that actually take you seriously. |
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| Reasoning behind me taking the day off today. |
[May. 3rd, 2006|11:04 am] |
So, I'm at work yesterday working on my third consecutive hour of the classic boredom-killer, Defend Your Castle, when I actually had to get up and help a customer. Now understand that while it's retail and it's my job to assist people, I usually just hide out in the back and play with phones, play games, play games on phones, occasionally play with myself and sometimes actually do paperwork and when I do go out on the floor and someone asks me to help them, I just tell them that I'm either still in training, on my break, or that my English isn't very good (all of which are actually true).
Well, yesterday, I couldn't avoid actual work.
I go out to find this biker guy in what looks like a Canadien tuxedo (denim from head to toe), a cowboy hat over a bandana, and more piercings than the crazy Africans you sometimes see on the Travel Network. Remembering the golden rule of wireless that sometimes the weirder looking people buy the most stuff, I went over and started helping the man. After a brief discussion, he decided that he wanted a STARTAC phone...
like the one he had ten years ago and no major wireless provider has made in eight. Then, after talking about Virgin Mobile, he asked if I knew anything about the service from Exxon Mobil...
having actually honestly thought that Exxon Mobil, the motor oil, was a wireless provider. He asked if I could help him, I said that not even God could help him, and went back to my office and started playing more games. Then I called in sick today, so I can play games in the comfort of my own home without being interrupted by God's sick little jokes. Man, I love me. |
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| Bastards: What we are and how we work. |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|07:01 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Tool - 'The Pot' | ] |
I was always told that being a complete asshole to girls would always come back to haunt me, and the other night, it sort of did.
So the other night around 11, I was out running some errands and dropping mail off at the post office when I realized that I was hungrier than an Ethiopian and thought I would stop at McDonald's and get something to eat. I pull up in the drive-thru and a middle-aged Hispanic man, I think named Tino, took my order at the intercom. Being hungry, I order a combo number 2 (two smaller burgers and an order of fries), am told my total and pull up to the next window.
I'm not really paying attention at this point because through the drive from by Milligan Park all the way through ordering my food and pulling up the second window, I hadn't been paying attention to anything because I was playing Tetris on my cell phone. Allow me to reemphasize, I was operating a motor vehicle and paying more attention to a mobile phone game than the road... endangering both people and property... for no reason other than boredom.
Well, I pull up to the window and wait for a second, long enough to get another few lines on Tetris, when I hear the drive-thru window to my left open and an eerily familiar, non-Mexican male voice read me my total. I quickly look up to see a girl that I 'dated' and treated like complete shit in Evansville assisting me with my order. I hadn't seen this girl since Evansville and I just assumed she was still there, needless to say, I don't think I would've been any more suprised had Barry Manilow himself given me my order.
I say that I treated this girl like shit because I really did... we hung out a couple of times while drunk and then things just got awkward, I started avoiding her and even jumped out of a second floor window from the O'Bannon Hall Dorms onto sharp gravel while completely hammered just because I didn't want to deal with the situation at the time.
Needless to say, at the drive-thru the other night, I felt pretty guilty and like I should be civil, say something nice or ask how she's doing... however, after getting what looked like a death-stare-from-Hell, I just figured saying something would make things more awkward, so I kept my mouth shut and focused on my game. She handed me the bag of food, I quickly sped off and everything seemed normal.
I spent the first half of the drive home feeling guilty just because my current girlfriend has morphed me into a total pussy... but then I realized that bitch in the drive-thru stiffed me on my fries.
Because of her, I will beat every woman I see.
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So my new job at US Cellular is kicking some pretty mad ass now that my training is almost done and I'm actually getting to do some real work... which aside from not only stealing potential and even current clients from my old job at RadioShack and making more than they paid me to do it, is just fun because RadioShack's stock continues to fall and instead of being directly effected by it, I just get to read about it from my very own desk. Yes, I have a desk.
In other words, I make way more money for doing the same job at a progressive company than making less doing the same for a company that will be out of business within the next decade.
So what better way to gloat than to fill out a job application for RadioShack that the prick that fired me for nothing will see and realize that I'm better off because I'll still have a job when RS goes down?
I went to the company website the other day and pulled up the online application and filled it out as honestly as possible. I said I was looking for a part-time job in C'ville, that I was a former employee and that my reason for leaving the company was 'Noe (Catfish Beaner) Reyes had sand in his vagina which conflicted both his menstrual cycle and his job sense.' Word for word.
Earlier today, I got this e-mail...
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Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 13:25:53 CST
From: recruiter@radioshack.com
To: KyleBrownRocksYourFaceOff@gmail.com
Subject: Thank You for Applying at RadioShack
Dear Kyle Brown,
Thank you for inquiring about career opportunities with RadioShack. At this time, we believe we have other candidates who more closely match the position's requirements. However, we appreciate your interest in our company and wish you well in your job search. We hope you will continue to choose RadioShack for all your consumer electronic needs.
Sincerely,
RadioShack
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Remembering from my days working for them that even though the system and replies are all automated, the actual district managers, including the fuck that fired me, see the e-mails, I thought I would reply.
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Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 15:42:09 CST
From: KyleBrownRocksYourFaceOff@gmail.com
To: recruiter@radioshack.com
Subject: RE:Thank You for Applying at RadioShack
Douche nozzle.
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I then went to the fridge in the break room, took a Frosty that wasn't mine and went to my office and ate it. I love me. |
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| April 20th: National High-Five Day and Love-a-Teen Day |
[Apr. 20th, 2006|10:47 pm] |
So after almost twenty-one years of being alive, I've honestly come to terms with the fact that no matter how good my life is, I'm always going to be really miserable and feel the need to take out all of my wallowing and self-pity on people less intelligent than myself. Now, I understand that many people are thinking to themselves, 'Well gee golly gosh, if you're so upset, why don't you just find something to make yourself happy? :) lol'
And to that, I say...
So today is 420, a very key holiday in the process of destroying my already shattered faith in humanity. Even when I did smoke weed and especially now that I don't, I never honestly understood the point in 420. It's not that I mind the idea of people setting aside a day to smoke weed, most people that really take the idea seriously don't have jobs anyway, but I have seriously considered ways of mass murder to kill the sheep and tools that talk about 420 like they have their heads stuck up their asses.
For instance, if someone were to say 'Hey man, it's Hitler's birthday, smoke weed,' I believe I would calmly kick their testicles back up into their body to keep them from reproducing and contaminating the rest of the world. Hearing someone rant on about how Hitler's birthday is a legit excuse to celebrate anything rates right up with hearing Tom Cruise talk about Scientology on my bullshitometer. Pure goddamn ignorance.
Hitler with munchies.
It's even worse with the people that try to convince me that the reason for 420 is that it's the anniversary of Bob Marley's birth or death. Double wrong. Not sure of the dates myself, but there are 364/1 odds you're a complete fucking idiot if you guess that for either date. (365/1 odds on leap years)
And I won't even get started on Columbine. No one will shoot up any of the high schools around here as long as Wal Mart sells shitty guns.
So, in hopes that next year I won't have to deal with dipshits asking me to 'hook them up' this year or having to read random Yahoo! stats that make me want to smash my face into my monitor, I'm going to explain the most plausible origins of 420.
1. Not Hitler, Marley, or Columbine.
2. Sometime in the '70s, a group of high school kids in either San Jose or San Rafael would always meet near a watertower after classes and smoke, usually around 4:20 PM.
3. Possibly from a writing by H.P. Lovecraft in which he mentions being under a 'mirage-plant's pervasive influence' at 4:20.
4. Marijuana had been found growing wild on Highway 420 in Canada.
5. A mean trick by God to make me hate impressionable fuckers like some of you.
/also National High-Five Day
//and even National Love-a-Teen Day
///would love a teen myself but I don't know where my girlfriend is |
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| Slam Dunk Ernest. |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|12:53 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Ray LaMontagne - 'Forever My Friend' | ] |
Instead of droning on for awhile, I'll get right to the point...
NCAA Division 1A Men's Basketball Regional Quarterfinals
LSU - 62
Duke - 54
Which also means JJ Redick's college career is over...
Too bad it wasn't like last year when Duke lost to my beloved MSU Spartans.
And to make today better, Gonzaga and that asshat Adam Morrison blew a 17-point lead to get owned by UCLA. On top of choking, Morrison broke down and cried in the middle of the court after the loss, therefore losing any comparisons between himself and Larry Bird, otherwise known as the Chuck Norris of Basketball.
Yes, I know this post is weak, but Duke lost, and that's all that matters.
/Duke sucks
//Gonzaga sucks
///my bracket sucks, if not now, then later
////damn good games and my key picks won
/////it's a celebration bitches |
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| Snakes on a MotherFucking Plane. |
[Mar. 17th, 2006|05:57 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | System of a Down - 'Hyponotize' | ] |
Just when I didn't think the last couple of days could get any better, our friends in Hollywood took upon themselves to be defiant fucksticks and prove me wrong by releasing the trailer to Samuel L. Jackson's next film masterpiece...
Image doubles as a link for the dumbasses that couldn't tell.
If that trailer doesn't make you want to see this movie, then you should smash your head on your keyboard then shove the remaining pieces up your ass.
/expects SOAP to be Highest Grossing movie of all time
//I think I'll have a Samuel Jackson
///yes they deserved to die AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|03:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | U2 - 'Sunday Bloody Sunday' | ] |
( ghey ) |
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